


The Five Stages of Grief

by falling4westallen



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, F/M, westallen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 05:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4008169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falling4westallen/pseuds/falling4westallen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a terrible accident takes Iris's life, How will Barry deal with the loss of the love of his life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Five Stages of Grief

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic i've posted on AO3. I couldnt figure out how to italicize Barry's thoughts so this is probably going to be confusing. Sorry!

Being the fastest man alive had always given Barry Allen a sense of control and power. He could protect people now, he could finish five whole cups of coffee faster than a person could blink, he could secretly flirt with the girl he was in love with. But nothing, not even super speed, could have prepared him for this.

Denial

When Joe called Barry after he just finished cleaning up the leftovers of his Chinese take out, Barry immediately knew something was wrong. On the other line Joe seemed to be struggling to breath

Barry was immediately on alert, “Joe?”

Another struggled breath.

Tension rose in his voice, “Joe whats wrong, are you hurt?!”

All he heard was a muffled cry.

Standing up from the kitchen table Barry felt panic rising within him, and began to search for his jacket, “Joe where are you, tell me where you are, I’ll be there.. Joe-”

Joe’s defeated voice flooded the line and cut Barry off,  
“It’s Iris.”

Barry’s searching halted, his heart stopped. His breath caught. No.

“What happened? Joe what is it, did someone take her, who was it, let me get my sui-”

Joe’s voice was heavy, “She was hit by a car, someone texting- on her way from work”

Please no. “How bad is it? What hospital is she at?!”

“Barry-” he knew what Joe was going to say, it was in the tremble of his voice, the defeat at the edge of each breath. Barry didn’t want to hear it. He couldn’t.

“No. Joe just tell me where she is.. I’ll save her- just please.” A sob caught in his throat.

“Barry shes gone.”

Everything froze. Gone? No. I can’t accept that.

“Gone where? What hospital is she at? Joe I can save her.”

“Son-”

Barry began to feel sick, “NO JOE. Where is she? Please you know I can save her. I can.”

“It’s too late, son.”

“No it’s NOT where is she!”

Joes voice was broken and heavy with tears, “The car hit her on the central city bridge, her car went over Bear.”

“She could still be alive, Iris is great at swimming-”

“Barry, son, listen to me.”

Barry said nothing and desperately tried not to cry. There’s nothing to cry for Iris is fine. Joe continued,

“They already found her. She hit her head on the steering wheel- it knocked her out, by the time they got to her it was too late. She drowned Barry” Joe’s voice broke down, tears cracked his voice, "Iris is gone. My baby is gone.“

Barry dropped the phone, it’s parts shattered, spreading across the kitchen floor, and slid down the kitchen wall, shock rippled down his body. Sobs shook his body.

 

Barry doesn’t know how long he cried, the screaming stopped after he lost his voice, the crying didn’t. Some time must have passed because suddenly Joe was next to him. His arm around the boy he called his son. They cried together.

Eventually Barry ran out of tears. He was numb. They sat against the wall of his kitchen silently. Barry rubbed his eyes and looked up, and of course there she was. A picture of her and Barry from when they went to Yellow Stone sat on his table. She was smiling down at him. She always was his angel wasn’t she?

Iris was there for him when his mom died and his dad was sent to jail, she was there to protect him against bullies, and now she was even there for him after her own death.

He could imagine her hugging him and dragging him to sit next to her on the couch where they would watch kids cartoons. She would try to keep his mind off sad thoughts by talking about things that happened at Jitters, the rude man, the cute couple, the adorable girl that wanted extra whipped cream on her hot chocolate. And then she would move closer to him and hold him to her at just the right time. She always knew how to make him smile.

What would he do without her?

Barry found his voice again, and the tears came back. Joe’s grip on his shoulder tightened.

Anger

It didn’t hit Barry until Joe took him to the morgue to see her. When they uncovered her face, her gorgeous ebony skin was pastier. Her lips were almost blue. She was still beautiful in death.

Sobs rocked his body before he recognized them coming

The anger surfaced when he thought about how his world was flipped on its axis because some man thought that saying to his brother that he was "super tire-” was more important than looking at the road, and caring about other peoples lives. But that man was in jail now because texting while driving is illegal in Central, even more so when it kills a person, let alone the daughter of a cop. But that was just the surface anger, Barry knew that the anger that had embedded itself in his heart, was anger directed at himself.

How could the fastest man alive, not be able to save the love of his life? How could something like a car crash, while he battled people that could multiply themselves or turn into steel, take away the single most important person in his life, and he couldn’t help her. Self loathing filled him, and made him harder.

Her funeral only increased his internal anger.

So many people showed up. All truly devastated by her death, they told stories about how Iris was what he already knew she was: the sunshine, the rainbow during the storm, the light in the darkness.

Eddie went up and talked about how he loved her so much, how he wanted to marry her but was too afraid of scaring her off to ask, how he regretted not telling her he loved her when they chatted briefly on the phone before she took off on what would be her last car ride. Usually Barry would have been jealous, upset, angry even, that this man had Iris in the ways Barry had always dreamed of, but now he felt that he didn’t deserve Iris. How could he when she drowned and he didn’t help her? Eddie, Joe or any of the other people at the funeral couldn’t do anything as she was dying, but he knew that he could have.

He never shared this self hatred with anyone like Joe, Wells or his dad because he knew they would tell him that it’s not his fault, and he knew that he would never believe them.

Bargaining

The anger at himself was constant for weeks, before he realized that maybe… Just maybe he could cheat death.

He came to Dr. Wells three weeks after the funeral and asked him point blank if he could use his speed to somehow go back in time, it had been theorized before that speed could reverse the clocks.

Dr. Wells looked at him as though he had two heads for a split second then composed himself.

“Barry, I know that Iris’s loss is affecting you greatly but-”

Wells’s calm, matter of fact voice, as if he was talking about the weather and not the death of the most important woman in his life, caused Barry to see red and he snapped, pent up anger and sadness suddenly unleashed,

“Affecting me!? AFFECTING ME!? It’s KILLING me”

Barry began to fight the tears he felt coming, “I barely sleep and when I do I have terrible nightmares that aren’t actually nightmares, they’re reality, they are my life. I never have an appetite, which you know for me is crazy.”

He could no longer fight the tears, and they streamed down his face,

“All I can think about is her- Her smile, her love, her kindness, her wit. And now she’s gone.”

He saw Iris then; her beaming smile when she got her first puppy, her laugh when he told her how he lost a bet in college and had to wear a care bear suit to Forensics class. The anger of not being able to protect her broke him,

“I HAVE SUPER SPEED AND I COULDN’T EVEN SAVE HER. I couldn’t save Iris. And now she’s gone. I never told her that I was the Flash, she knew I loved her but I don’t know if she loved me back. If she did I didn’t deserve it.”

“Barry-” Dr. Wells began but Barry quickly cut him off,

“Dr. Wells I know that I’m supposed to help you but I’ve been off my game lately and I just need some time to myself. I need to learn how to breathe again knowing I’ll never see her. I need to be able to run by Jitters and not feel as if I’m going to break.”

Dr. Wells shook his head understandingly, “I lost my wife too Barry. It broke me. But the one thing I learned is that life stops for no one and as cliche as this may sounds Iris would want you to be happy, she would want you to move on. Take your break Barry, but don’t lose yourself in it.”

Barry nodded and walked out of Star Labs.

Depression

The next week Barry went home and he stayed there. He sent a text to Joe telling him that he was fine and just needed some alone time. For three days Barry stayed in bed. He slept, read, and ate purely out of necessity. On the fourth day he thought he might feel better if he turned on the TV, he watched Cosmos and he even smiled a little at a joke Neil Tyson made, but then during commercial a brownie ad came on his TV, 

Iris would love to try one of those brownies, I’ll put it on my list to go by her some.

For a second he forgot she was gone, and it was bliss, but then remembering again was awful. It hurt so much he wondered would if it would just be easier to end it all. But immediately scolded himself for thinking that way, knowing Iris would have his head for that thought.

On the fifth day, he decided he would visit her grave. When he arrived he took in the words on her head stone:

Iris Ann West  
Beloved daughter and friend  
The stars in the darkness

He didn’t come to her grave as much as he should because it burned his soul. It didn’t make him feel closer to her, it just swallowed him in guilt. But he decided he would come today. He brought flowers to replace the old ones but found that they weren’t old, in fact they looked really new. It wasn’t surprising that someone or someones were visiting and keeping up her grave. Iris was not only loved widely, she was loved deeply.

“Hey Iris. Sorry I don’t visit you a lot. I’m not doing very good.”

He paused and composed himself, I’m not crying in front of Iris, I don’t deserve it, 

“I know if you were here you would have something to say that would instantly make me feel better. Work is work. Your Dad is doing as good as he could be. Eddie seems to be trying to submerge himself in his job to dull the pain.”

Barry leaned down and touched her head stone,

“Sometimes I think about what I would give for you to still be here with me. Anything and everything Iris. Anything and Everything.”

–  
When Barry got back home he went to sleep, his heart heavy with grief.

Acceptance

“Barrrrrrrryyyyy” A sweet voice disrupted his sleep.

Barry grunted and turned over.

“Barry come on, get up” the voice asked more insistently

Barry groaned “Shhhhh!”

“Barry!”

Barry sat up quickly “What! What is it?”

Snapping his eyes open he found himself eye to eye with none other than Iris Ann West. She sat next to him on the edge of his bed. Iris looked gorgeous, her eyes sparkling, her hair the same long brown waves it always was. She had a certain glow to her that she hadn’t had before.

Barry blinked, not believing his eyes “Iris?”

She rolled her eyes, “Nah it’s Barney. Yes it’s me Iris”

This has to be a dream, but it’s nothing like his usual nightmares where Iris is drowning and crying out for him to help her,

“But, you’re dead”

A short laugh escaped her beautiful pink lips, "And? Your mopey ass is disturbing my beauty sleep.“

He laughed. Like real hand clutching sides, tears in your eyes laughing.

She smiled at him, "You’re such a dork.”

Her familiar words almost brought more tears to his eyes, but they did make him hug her to him. Iris laughed and hugged him just as tight. She may be a figment of his mind, but she felt like his Iris so he could pretend. There was a sort of clarity to this though that his dreams never possessed.

“I’ve missed you so much Iris.” Barry whispered into her hair. He remembers when he told her that he loved her in this exact same position,

“Me too bear, me too.” Iris whispered softly, and then pulled back to look at him,

“I’ve been watching you, because Lord knows you would not be able to survive without me. I talked to the big man and he told me that I could come to you tonight, and talk to you. Help you out.”

“Iris I don’t think one night is enough to fix me. I don’t think you realize how hard I’ve been taking your death.”

Iris’s eyes became soft, she calmingly stroked his unruly bed head hair, “I do Barry. I do. I’ve been watching you, as guardian angels do. I was hoping you would get better, but your grief only seemed to worsen as time would go on.”

Barry nodded in agreement,  
“Yea, I hoped that too but as more days past, your absence only got worse. I guess it’s because I realized how much you were apart of every aspect of my life. And how much I missed you being in them.”

When his hair was fixed, Iris pulled her hand back and put it on his shoulder. Barry couldn’t help himself, he missed her, his hand threaded itself in her long brown hair.  
“You’re beautiful.”  
She smiled a wide beaming smile, that he couldn’t help but return.  
“I love you Barry.”  
“I love you too.”  
“No. I love you the way you love me.”  
Barry’s smile faltered. He pulled his hand away.  
“You don’t have to say that to make me feel better.”

Iris reached for his hand, and held it in hers, softly stroking his palm, the feeling of it sent shivers down Barry’s spine,

“I’m not. I wouldn’t lie to you like that. I realized how I loved you before I died, and Barry as hard as this may be for you to hear, that’s why I was crossing the Central City bridge that night, theres another way to get to Eddie’s faster than crossing the bridge. I was coming to your place to tell you. I didn’t even have the chance to break up with Eddie because it hit me so suddenly. And I knew I needed to tell you as soon as possible.”

Shock shot through him like a bullet, and he ripped his hand away from hers, “So you died because you love me, and I couldn’t even save you”  
The self loathing was back full on.

“Barry don’t do this to yourself, you couldn’t have done anything.”

“You don’t understand, I’m the-”

“Flash. I know Barry, I see everything up here”

“Your not mad?”

“I was hurt at first, but you have a lot of time to think up here so no not really”

“Well that’s a reli-”

Iris punched his arm.

“Oow! I thought you weren’t mad!”

“Eh. Just for good measure.”

And they both laughed, Barry continued to laugh until suddenly soft lips were on his. In his shock he froze. Iris was kissing him. Oh God this had to be some sort of fantasy. But it felt like Iris and who was he to deny the love of his life a kiss. He tangled his hands in her hair again. And brought her closer to him wrapping his free arm around her petite frame. This kiss turned from sweet and slow to desperate and passionate when he laid her down on the bed and decided that if they only had one night, he was going to make the best of it. When his hand found itself about to go up her shirt, Iris pulled back.

Guilt flooded his senses and Barry immediately repented,

“Sorry, I’m sorry”

“No Barry it’s okay- it’s, your perfect. I just have to tell you something before we go any further.”

“Okay?”

“Stop blaming yourself for my death. Stop hating yourself. There was nothing you could have done. I’ve come to peace with my death. I lived a great life, had the best guy ever living a door down from me for half my life, he also happened to be my best friend. And my true love. Bear love yourself. Move on. If not for anything else, do it for me.”

Tears streamed down his face and he nodded his head.

She kissed away his tears and then looked in his eyes.

“Promise me.” She whispered, as she stroked his cheek.

“I promise”

Her lips instantly found his again, and Barry clinged to her afraid she was going to disappear, but then in the kiss he felt her love for him spreading across his body and he knew that it was never going away, what she is to him, and what she feels for him would never disappear. Even when she wasn’t with him physically, she was in his heart, in his actions, in every breath he took. His grip on her lessened and he submerged himself in her love.

They spent the rest of the night together, learning intimate things about each other that they didn’t get to learn in her lifetime.

When Barry woke up the next morning he was alone. But there was still a smile on his face.

Iris had that effect on people.

***********************************************************************************

Hope you enjoyed this fanfic! It is a one shot, so unless I feel the need to continue it, it will stay a one shot.

Now here is a bonus scene that may give even more hope to some of you guys. You’re aloud to ignore this if you want but technically it happened in the comics multiple times and in different universes.

Bonus Scene

Two weeks after Angel Iris came back to Earth, Dr. Wells approached a much more content Barry Allen,  
“Barry I did some research on what you came to talk to me about. Reversing time. And I think I may have found something….”


End file.
